Henry's Smoking Column: Case study 151

John Player Special

In the mid eighties I spent three months smoking only John Player Specials. At the time they were highly regarded, but that didn’t stop me publishing the following slating:

“There is no cigarette more redolent of fibreglass than the John Player Special, and none more indolent than those who partake of them.

Oafish and loud, JPS smokers have over-inflated ids and tiny underpants. Their demeanour is that of one who spies for east European radicals wanting a) the secret recipe of pot noodles and b) to know what will happen next to the Gold Blend couple.

The cigarettes themselves are manufactured in the sixth circle of hell - that's why the packet is black. You may stumble across them being traded for moon dust on Thursdays in Dorset, as I have on many occasions. I have yet to discover why moon dust is important in hell.

Each and every JPS stick contains a human soul that whispers 'Thank you John' when one sucks on the lit fag. Lighting the JPS is easy. A naked flame will jump several metres across a room to oblige and the smoking experience is one of dampened enthusiasm for the Oxbridge boat race.”

The file on John Player Special continues to grow: I recently discovered quite by accident (I fell into a hell pit whilst walking in the Peak District and got chatting with a minor demon) the importance of moon dust. It is essential to entrap the souls of the damned in the cigarette. The process technicalities are in the realms of advanced and relatively arcane magik. Thaumaturgy plays an important role, but to divulge more would put my source in danger.

Further developments on this file are promised. My demon friend and his mates are coming round to mine for lasagne on Thursday...

Spiney V P Diddy

Spiney's YouTube channel Blackadderextras has been mentioned on MTV.com as part of a backlash against P. Diddy's new Burger King / YouTube Venture.

'And there are plenty of users like Dorn, expressing their frustration in manners both increasingly bizarre (the U.K.'s BlackAdderExtras, who took Diddy's spot and turned it into a rather tedious house track) and disturbing (one rant, by a wide-eyed blond kid, borders on racist psycho-babble). But will the rising negative sentiments be enough to pull the plug on Diddy TV?'

Click here for the full article

Here's the Diddy's orginal vid:

And here's Spiney's mangled versions:

FOGJAS! JASFOG! Or NOT JAS FOG!

Yet more obsessive tape trawling has brought forth these three little dittys which turned up on the end of a Gary Clail / Tackhead tape.




jas1
jas2
jas3


Update - I have just been informed that these tracks are not JasFog and are more likely to be JasClemLen - I thought I remembered playing keyboards, especially on the first track but I think it's probably safest to call these tracks Jas tracks with guest stars - If Len or Clem drops by can you confirm your presence on these tracks?

More Tape Trawling - this time it's Spiney's turn...

Here's a trio of strange Spiney songs I found lurking on a tape today...

Firstly a nice strumming mellow kinda song...

Used to Be

These two are a little out there -- the second guest stars Jack Holding (I think that's the name) and i'm not sure who's on the first, possibly Happy Dave?

Noise Mix 1
Noise Mix 2

Psychedelics Documentary - Featuring Tom Taylor

What the frag have I stumbled on here - this sounds like a student audio doc - it's all about Psychedelics and features Tom Taylor, Kips and I think Ilsa (sorry if i've spelt that wrong) may be in there and Wevs.

It also features music by Hawkwind, The Doors and Giblets & Cheese!

Click Here to listen to Psychedelics!

Chaos Inspiration Pt 1: Ivor Cutler

I thought it'd be interesting to post some entries up about the things that inspired our mental music making...

Ivor Cutler was a somewhat subconscious influence on the GWF and subsequent Santaphobia strands of doss bandage. I never owned a single record by him, but I would listen to his poems and music on the John Peel show late at night under the covers of my bed on a red transistor radio shaped like a big lozenge. Sometimes I would read Spider-Man comics simultaneously, using a Subbuteo floodlight as a torch.

In later years I met an art student who interviewed Cutler for his dissertation. He described a polite and particular man who invited him home and served tea. When the interview finished Cutler walked my friend back to the train station, pushing his bicycle. Along the way they enountered a large dog turd in the middle of the pavement. Cutler took out a little plastic pot and peppered the dog doo with hundreds and thousands - the multicoloured sprinkles you get on cakes...

As I said, I never owned a Cutler record, but this clip shows quite clearly that his music seeped into my brain and made a big impression on the GWF:

Henry's Smoking Column

Hello and welcome to Henry’s Smoking Column.

A long time ago now, I gave up being in a doss band and got a proper job as a smoke journalist. What is a smoke journalist, you ask? In my new column for this august blog, I intend to acquaint you with my work, my inner world, my findings and musings.

Case Study No 1946: West

The West cigarette is not one that imbues the smoker with any air of grace, style or even humanity. The image one portrays as the first fag is tapped out of the ill-conceived packet is that of a line dancing simpleton who, given half a chance, would wear a pink plaid shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a comedy 10 gallon hat the size of Gibraltar with the legend "Howdy, y'all" at their own mother's funeral. The West smoker affects a saddle-sore bow-legged gait and if one listens closely, they can be heard making the sound of spurs chinking under their breath with each step.

West cigarettes are manufactured under license by a panel beater called Jim in Cleethorpes and upon close inspection, each cigarette has the message "John Wayne was big leggy" down its length, like Blackpool rock. It is extremely difficult to light the stick without the use of an oxy-acetelene burner or match and the smoking experience is one of finding that where once you had flowing, golden locks of hair, you now possess leaves. Best avoided.

Ben Phillips - Tape Discovered

Hi there - these tracks are all from an unmarked tape I discovered yesterday, I'm pretty sure this is Ben's stuff and as such is part of a very small amount of material that survives. I also have some other stuff on CD and am planning on putting a page up for him on the CVC site soon.


Trance
Insane Arpeggiator
TV Mashup
Heaven (Life after Death)
Trip
Spooky Experiments

This ones for Jus!

Very Busy Granny by 0=2