Carol Vorderman's Diary

TUESDAY

The Wide World InterWeb is not as harmless as I thought. In PC World the other day I was accosted by a young man wearing a red badge.

"It's you isn't it?"
"Why yes. Yes it is." I replied, "Would you like a consonant or a vowel?"
"Whatever," the youth said, "Where's your curly tail?".

I telephoned Gyles Brandreth in dictionary corner to find out what my appropriate response should be. After some time agreeing on the correct spelling I replied to the youth;

"I'm positively filled with indignation. What do you mean 'curly tail'?"

The spotty one took me over to the machines in the corner, next to the machines in the middle and the machines by the wall. There he showed me an InterWeb site entailed 'Celebrity Animals'. Alongside photographs of Carol Smile as a meerkat and Anne Robinson as an orangutang, I saw a picture of me. Only not me. It was a pig me.

"Oh my god". I sputtered, "You have a computer capable of performing acts of voodoo. I must campaign against this immediately."

WEDNESDAY

Groggily made my way to GMTV studio after night spent arranging mirrors to see if curly tail still present. Pleased to see that other pig features have worn off since photograph was taken. Even though I am unable to recollect the occasion am disturbed by lingering feeling that I have 12 nipples arranged in parallel along my belly. Interviewed by Lorraine Kelly, herself a victim of Internet animal voodoo (rhinoceros).

"So Carol, you say that a black magic Web site has been turning celebrities into animals and photographing them," said Lorraine, interviewing me.
"Yes. And I will not rest until every last one of those animal magicians is off the Internet and behind bars. The way to start is by rounding up everyone who owns a computer and shooting them in the extremities. Then we should ask them if they turned me into a pig and then took pictures of me. If they say no we should let them go. If not then... by gum!"
"Very good, Carol. So you were a pig. That's a very dirty animal." said Lorraine.
"No Lorraine, that's where you're wrong. Pigs are very clean animals. Unlike Rhinos."
"I see. Well it's nice to see you again and we wish you luck with your campaign. Now it's time to return to Inch Loss Island."
"Oink." I said.

*Any resemblance to Carol Vorderman off Countdown is purely coincidental. This is a different Carol Vorderman altogether. As in A fictional character who happens to be called Carol Vorderman. OK?